dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
