I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
