Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
