Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
