I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
