The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
