I think my vagina is haunted
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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