The maid of honor just puked.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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