It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
