i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
