I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
