I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
