Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
