Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
