Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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