Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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