While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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