it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
