I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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