it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
