i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
vagina is talking i cant
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
