I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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