Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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