this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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