there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
