zippers are such a cool invention
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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