I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
