Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
