I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
