I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
