How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
