Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
