Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
