Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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