I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
why is half of my head shaved?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
