I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Randomize
