Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
