Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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