my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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