we have officially lost it.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
