stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
