I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
