i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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