last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
