And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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