i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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