I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
