My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
