i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Randomize
