I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I am midnight drunk by noon
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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