Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
