if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
