For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
