last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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