Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Randomize
