he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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