There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
