I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
