My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
