my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
