sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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