Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
