Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize