I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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